“As we gain confience in ourselves, red flags are no longer red flags. They are deal-breakers.” Unknown

ALL relationSHIPS have boundaries and expectations, or at least they should. But, some people believe that love is unencumbered and that’s far from the truth. Even love has its boundaries. In reality, we all have boundaries but oftentimes they are left unspoken because we either- don’t know what they are OR we fear that our mate may perceive them as being possible deal-breakers. What are your boundaries? Do you share them with your mate? If they aren’t met, do they become deal-breakers? What are your deal-breakers?  

Boundaries are necessary and shouldn’t be viewed as strict rules designed to suck the life out of the relationSHIP. On the contrary, boundaries lay the groundwork for relationSHIPS to be built on mutual respect and trust. Boundaries set the parameters for the relationSHIP and should be viewed as standards of conduct. Setting boundaries doesn’t limit the relationSHIP, it actually strengthens it. For boundaries to work, open and honest communication must be on-going. Communicating healthy boundaries provide the relationSHIPS with the knowledge and comfortability needed to talk about them without fear of recrimination or unfair judgment. Discussing what we expect out of someone, and what we expect to receive is crucial. Your needs and the needs of your mate must be- stated, acknowledged, respected, and met -if the relationSHIP is to be successful.

Telling your partner what your boundaries are is like giving them your “honey-DO and DO- NOT DO list”. Honoring the boundaries and expectations of your mate will ensure that the relationSHIP will be successful, whereas ignoring them WILL lead to a host of“deal-breaker” moments. Deal-breakers are the things that we MUST absolutely have (or not have) in our relationSHIPS. Deal-breakers are things that turn you off. Things that annoy you. Things that you don’t want in your relationSHIP. Examples of deal-breakers range from not dating someone -with children, who smoke, without a car, who lies, steals, and cheats, who doesn’t value family, that uses drugs or alcohol, with a criminal record, with poor hygiene, with no ambition, etc.

Deal-breakers are the essential needs and requirements that must be met if the relationSHIP is to continue. Everyone has them. My deal-breaker is cheating. The thought that someone who is supposed to love and care about me would conspire with someone behind my back is worse, to me than the act of having sex.  It’s intentional hurt because it was planned. The conspiracy, all of the thought, details, lies, and the effort required to make this happen is something that the relationSHIP wouldn’t be able to bounce back from. It’s an absolute deal-breaker. Understanding that people do make mistakes, the hurt and pain caused by cheating would usurp all of the energy needed to resuscitate this relationSHIP. It would end with no further discussions. After clearly stating my boundaries and expectations, wants and desires, only to have them disregarded, is out of bounds and I’m out. Others may forgive and continue the relationSHIP after and infidelity, but for me, it’s an absolute deal-breaker.

RelationSHIPS are a constant balance of gives and take and everyone has their bottom-line. There are certain words, actions, and events, that can be so painful that they are too hard to bounce back from and are deal-breakers. Boundaries are our personal standards of protection. They let others know what we will or will not tolerate. Sharing with your mate your “honey-DO and DO- NOT list” is asking for what we want and having those wishes respected are integral components in any relationSHIP. And conversely, NOT having those wants and wishes respected are red flags and SHOULD be an absolute DEAL-BREAKER!!! Love you more….

SHIP TALK: What are your deal-breakers? Do you hold your mate accountable for not respecting your boundaries? How?

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2 Replies to “DEAL-BREAKERS”

  1. Absolutely right Stephen. Boundaries are the oxygen of any relationship. It gives us the rules. We agree

  2. got to chime in here

    bounderies a very necessary due to the fact that with so much flexability in the rules of engaugement now, you can no longer leave anything to just basic comon sense. with the diversaties in races and cultures factor that too. case in point out President Bill Clinton opened a whole new twist and the video of motorist Rodney King. its like most of the values i grew up with in the 60s , are immediately recognized as old school not even right or wrong anymore. so yes with something as important as a relatonship, id have to set clear bounderies. this would only make practicle sense to someone who has a set lifestyle or routine, change is good or spontinaety has its advantages, but for all intents and purposes. all it takes one motovated ass____ to ruine everything.

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